More Star Wars Spinoff movie ideas

So, apparently Disney is planning a Yoda movie, a young Han Solo movie, and a Boba Fett movie. Fine. The more the merrier. I have some ideas for how those movies ought to be done, along with a few of my own.

THE JEDI KID: When young Yoda’s mother moves him from his home planet to start a new job, he finds it hard to fit in. The kids in his new school are bigger, richer, and not nearly so green. Plus, they bully the hell out of him. Then he finds out his landlord is a former Jedi, and he convinces the old man to train him. Can he develop his skills in time for the Tri-World Force Tournament?

MISTER FETT: Rowan Atkinson plays the bumbling outer space bounty hunter Boba Fett, the only hunter dumb (and stingy) enough to buy a factory irregular jet pack with a power switch on the back. How can Our Hero get his man when he can barely see out of his helmet? After accidentally capturing the most wanted man in twelve systems, the worst private lawman in the galaxy is blackmailed into going after the most dangerous bounty of all… The Emperor himself!

THE WALKING CARPET: There’s nothing worse for a wookie than to be exiled from his family and home, but that is just what happens to Ulhu lin Hooarre. After a prank goes wrong and causes the death of his best friend, the young man is sent off-world to live out the rest of his days with the hairless. Bereft, alone, surrounded by ignorant aliens to do not even realize that the name they call him means, in his language, both “outcast” and “unclean,” he spends long hours walking in the desert, drinking and getting into fights, hoping that someone will do what his deeply-held beliefs will not allow him to do: end his life. Then he meets a brash young smuggler in need of a mechanic for a ship that is barely spaceworthy. If he can not kill himself, surely this smuggler will bring him the peace he longs for.

THE GREAT ANTILLES: Wedge Antilles has returned to his small town a hero. Promoted to general after destroying the second Death Star, he’s come to take his aging father off the failing family bene quarry so that he, and the rest of his family, can live in comfort in Coruscant. Except his father has no intention of giving up his little shack in his treeless valley, and General Antilles finds himself faced with long-standing resentments and deep-rooted grudges among his brothers. Worse, his experiences in battle have left scars on his psyche and made him quick to anger. Can he ever go home again, or has his family become strangers to him?

“They say this cat MACE is a bad mother…” “SHUT YOUR MOUTH!” “I’m talkin’ ’bout Mace.”

A PIECE OF PLANET TO CALL YOUR OWN: Ben and Beru Starkiller find their moisture farm failing, and along with it, their marriage. The city planners of Mos Eisley have cut payments they’re willing to pay for the city’s water supply, and farmers all across the continent find themselves unable to make their bills. Worse, there’s a trade conglomerate making offers on moisture farmland, and many of their neighbors are selling out. Is the trade conglomerate bribing the city planners? Can Beru and Ben stay together? And will the foundling that Beru takes in save their faltering marriage while they hope and pray for a 100-year rainstorm?

A PIECE OF PLANET 2: THE GRAPES OF HOTH: Ben and Beru Starkiller, along with their toddler, Luke, join a caravan of moisture farmers in search of a better life when a continent-sized dust storm means their farm can no longer produce moisture.

THE MANCHURIAN PRINCESS: The Empire has fallen and there is a tremendous amount of work to do reforging a new Republic. Leia, along with many of her fellow elected royalty, try to put the bad times behind her. But she notices others behaving strangely, and she herself begins having blackouts. Once she wakes up inside an y-wing fighter on an attack vector toward a hospital ship. What happened to her, and to the many other rebel diplomats who were held captive on one of Darth Vader’s ships? Could there have been a secret plan to revive the Empire if it ever fell, and could she be a part of it?

THE SPY WHO CAME IN FROM THE VACUUM: Garindon, who had long served as an imperial informant around Docking Bay 94, is finally free. His family has been released from an imperial prison and for the first time in years, he has no master but himself. All he wants is to be left alone to return to his family construction business. Unfortunately, the intelligence service of the New Republic has other plans for him. With charges of conspiracy and collusion hanging over his head, Garindon is sent out into one of the last holdout systems to dig up information on the fortress there. One last job, they tell him. Just this one.

Who’s going to direct Star Wars 7?

Joss Whedon: THE PRINCESS REBELLION. Leia discovers a plot to undermine the new democratically elected queen of the empire and must uncover the scheme, develop her own force abilities, and prove she’s innocent of the murder of her brother. (Han Solo dies horribly, ‘natch.)

Christopher Nolan: THE DARK SITH RISES. Obi-Wan has to de-ghost himself to face a charismatic enemy, the clone of Annakin Skywalker. But is he truly a bad guy? (Spoiler: yes)

Kathryn Bigelow: THE HAN LOCKER. Han Solo leads a team of rugged but unstable fighting men against a hold-out band of stormtroopers armed with a death star-level cannon.

Brad Bird: THE KNIGHTS. The evil empire has been overthrown, but people are not ready to accept the return of the Jedi order as peacekeepers and intergalactic cops. A family of young Jedi must prove that everyone is special, no matter how pathetically low their midichlorian count might be.

Michael Bay: STUFF EXPLODES. Boba Fett rises out of the sarlacc like Princess Rita. Stuff explodes in a barely comprehensible way. Jar Jar plays a large supporting role and doesn’t even get killed.

Sofia Coppola: LOST IN TRANTHELLIX. An aging Luke Skywalker visits a distant planet for a lucrative speaking engagement, and befriends a gorgeous young gungan woman in an unhappy marriage.

Joe Cornish: ASSAULT THE MEGABLOCK. A towering skyscraper in one of Coruscant’s slums finds itself under attack from an accidentally-reactivated squad of Clone-War-era battle droids. (“Stop calling me Roger!”)

Wes Anderson: THE FANTASTIC MR. EWOK. A band of ewoks try to live like high-tech citizens of the empire, but are driven into an impotent frenzy by the way everyone speaks with their hands hanging motionless at their sides.

Amy Heckerling: LOOK WHO’S DUELING. It’s hijinks galore at the Jedi Academy for babies, where the massive midichlorian counts of the children allow the babies to wield lightsabers and oh god I just can’t go on with this.